I probably shouldn’t share this with everyone just yet, but I can’t help it. I can’t keep it all to myself, or I would go crazy. You see, Denny and I have been waiting so long for this to happen. We have been trying for a few months now, with no luck. But yesterday, everything changed. We finally got some good news. Yesterday, we found out that……………….
Why the Highway Dept thought it would be a good idea to close the right lane of Highway 301 to pave the road at 7:00 in the morning?!?! They obviously forgot that they were not the only people who had somewhere to be this morning!
So apparently Miss Miley Cyrus (you might also know her as Hannah Montana) has posed topless for Vanity Fair (and this is all I have heard and read about all day long, and frankly, I’m tired of hearing you all complain). Topless? She is covered with a sheet. Topless implies boobies, and I have looked, and there are no boobies to be seen. But she’s only 15 years old, you say. And her face has that come hither stare. Puh-lease. Give me a break. If anything, her face looks creepy and her skin is so pale that she looks half-dead. (Whatever it means to be half-dead, I haven’t a clue.) It almost reminds me of that dead girl in the movie The Ring. Not at all provocative. And might I once again point out that she is covered with a sheet, and all that is exposed is her back. Her back! Oh my gosh, have you never seen a back before? I guess the media will be in a frenzy if she happens to be photographed in a bikini this summer while she’s on vacation. God forbid the girl swims. And then there are those of you who are concerened because your daughters look to her as a role model, and this isn’t exactly role model behavior. Well, maybe it’s just me, but I don’t know of any 8 year olds who read Vanity Fair magazine. So chances are slim that these girls will even see this picture! And one last thing. She is 15 years old. I know 12 years old who have sex more often than I do. And 15 is only 1 year shy of 16. If she was 16, this wouldn’t be a problem at all. So cut her some slack. At least she’s not knocked up like that other Disney Channel star. (Miley, please don’t get pregnant next week.)
Did I do something wrong? Do you dislike me as a customer? Sure, I have accidentally left the store with a bag of dog food on the bottom of my cart – unpaid for – but who hasn’t? And I will admit, I have put items back on the shelf that I decided against buying – halfway across the store from where they belong – but who hasn’t? Does this make me an unwelcome shopper? Apparently so.
Why is it that, week after week, I discover that you have stopped carrying yet another item that I regularly buy? Do you not want my money? It’s just as good as anyone else’s. Here’s a breakdown of what you are missing:
- Castleberry’s hot dog chili. Yeah, so what if there was an e-coli ( ? ) scare a few months back. Bi-lo is carrying it again. Why aren’t you? Sorry to hurt your feelings, but your Sam’s Choice chili is certainly not my choice.
- Pasta Roni Fettuccine Alfredo. So I’m too lazy to make my own alfredo sauce. And have you tasted alfredo out of a jar? Not so good. Even though it’s cheating, this stuff is pretty good.
- Another boxed meal. Chicken Helper 4 Cheese pasta. I know. I’m almost ashamed to admit it. But this is Really. Good. Stuff. You can call it my guilty pleasure.
- Link sausage in any flavor besides original. Can’t I have some maple and brown sugar? Geesh. You only carry 2 brands, and the only flavor is plain ol’ original. How boring.
- Makeup sponges. Yeah, you have some cheap, crappy ones that absorb all of the foundation before I can touch it to my face. What happened to the good ones? Were they too expensive for you?
I don’t know why, but your item selection is rapidly decreasing. And sooner or later, there won’t be anything on the shelves! (Hmm, that would actually be great! No items = no shoppers = no revenue. Sweet! Karma is gonna get you, my dear Wal-Mart.) In order to get everything that I need (and want), I have to go to 2 stores! I can’t just go to Bi-Lo for everything, it’s way too expensive. And before you even suggest it, there is no way that I am going to Harvey’s. No way. So thanks for making my life a tad bit more difficult. I hate you Wal-Mart!
I can’t believe that not one single person even guessed at my riddle! Oh well. So what is heavy when forward, and backwards is not? TON! Get it? Backwards it is NOT! I’m such a dork. Oh, and just in case you were wondering, my final count yesterday was 123 views. Go me!
Ok, so this might not be a big deal for you, you super-blogger with hundreds of readers and incredibly interesting posts, but it is to me. As of right now, my blog has had 99 views today! 99 in one day! That’s so awesome. My old record was 52. So if you are reading this, thank you. You just pushed me over the edge to 100 (and beyond)!
*It’s kinda creepy though, to think that my thoughts have been viewed so much. And confusing too. Does this mean that I am interesting? Nah, probably not.
Remember this post? I know, I know. I didn’t follow through. So I’m gonna give it one more try. Today, a little brain teaser for ya. I’ll post the answer tomorrow.
Forward I am heavy, backwards I am not. What am I?